going someplace, and there's no goin' back

welcome to the new world order. the place of complete and utter nervousness. no home, no job, no peace, no rest.

some of the above are true, and some are more true. i sort of have jobs, though it feels like a lot of running around at this point. im not used to so much activity after a relatively quiet summer. its going to take some getting used to, but i am beginning to gather that i am not as spry as i used to be. maybe if i worked out at all or ate better, or at all, i would be a little bit more healthy. then maybe i wouldn't ache so much, physically or emotionally. i feel like i am struggling to be free.

right now i am listening to the title track of the great Springsteen album 'ghost of tom joad.' if you are familiar with the track you will notice the lyrical content worming its way into this post. if not, i made all of this wonderful stuff up myself.

my life seems to be really up in the air right now. i gave every single cent that i had to the university today so that i could register. i don't even know if i want to go to school anymore. i really have no other desire except to work for i.tv. i can't really see myself going to classes anymore. im sure it wont be half bad, and that i will get to meet some nice people, and maybe learn some stuff. but it just feels half a bubble off plumb. bruce says, 'you get used to anything/ sooner or later it just becomes your life.' i don't think i want to live my life that way though.

i still keep in touch with a teacher that i had in high school and we have gotten to be good friends. in an email this week he was updating me on what's going on in his life. talking about growing up and wondering what in the world you're doing, he sent me this Thureau quote; 'The youth gets together his materials to build a bridge to the moon or perchance a palace or temple on the earth -- & at length, the middle-aged man concludes to build a woodshed with them.' Damned if that didn't make me a little bit shakey.

to sum up; i have no idea what i can do right now with my life. i wont have a place to live in a month. i have no idea if the job thing is going to work out. i dont know if i want to stay in school. i have no money. i have no home to go back to. if i have options, there's just too many to even begin to think about, but none of them involve being able to spend money. cause there's none.

in some fairly upbeat news, i did get registered, and my first newspaper comes out tomorrow. at least i have some work to go to, and money coming in someday.

lay my head down on the pillow
and go drifting off to foreign lands

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