empty

right now i am an empty vessel. i feel like i have been completely emptied. there is nothing for me to do, but pray, wait and hope that everything will work out ok. its not easy dealing with the loss of the most imporant person in your life, hopefully amanda will get some stuff figured out, i will get some stuff figured out, and the whole thing can move forward in a way that is super pleasing and honoring to God. im just not willing to throw away three years, and i hope she isn't either. but that remains to be seen...

at this point though i feel like my heart has been completely ripped from my chest, but somehow i am still alive to feel the pain. oddly enough i wrote a poem about the loss of my heart a couple of weeks back, as we were leaving the manor. who knew it would have far greater reaching applications. for your enjoyment, here is silver lady


turning to look through
the window into the room
at you, my sternum popped

open, my ribs white as cloud
cover at morning. there my heart
like a ripe tamatto, hate them though
i do, was wet and glistening red.

the clouds parted, calcium wisped
away, and so my tamatto heart
fell from the vine. white seeds
scattering across the paving stones

i chartered an old man to take
us to sea, my tamatto and i.
the silver lady, her crew a weathered
man, his hat, my heart fruit

along for the ride, and me.
we made for mariana, "tamatto
to the trench." said he, captain
casting off starboard.

and tomatto beat, turned
in for the night, sleeping below
leeward in a berth. a red sky
delighting the captain alone

on the silver lady's bow.
we meandered on the briny
t'ings, the waves and moon stirring
capillaries and veins, roger jollies

sticking through my coat. dripping
catsup deckward. "thar be his bound!"
captain called below. rope-wind whipping
pea coat lapels liberally.

there my heart left, a porthole
winched ventrically, and plop
plop fizz, mariana chosen over
me, my roger jollies whisping
salt spray tears

mon cur--->