times they are a changin(that's for sure)

an hour or two ago, i wrote a really long post, full of wonderful insight to everything that has been going on in my life, and the lives of those around me. for some reasons it disappeared, and i can't seem to find it anywhere. gone gone gone. just goes to show you can't take your eyes off the screen... of course im not all that surpised by losing the whole thing, its sorta starting to be a theme.

needless to say that this is a season for change. there are too many things going on in my life, and the lives of those around me, to deny that at all. everyone of these people that i have talked to is in a state very much like i am right now; very wide-eyed in amazement at what God is doing in our lives. There's no other way around devine providence when looking at recent events, because there's no way that anyone of us would have chosen the things that are happening. These trials are deepening our walks with the Lord and that's what matters the most. i can't even begin to dscribe the changes in my very being over the last couple of weeks. like an artesian spring, the holy spirit is bubbling up through the deadly cracks in my soul and refreashing the ground above.

that ground though is fresh plowed, and the ground is my heart. my heart has been ripped up by a blade, split into rows, sections & acres. the rocks are being removed and thrown away. these things are truly tearing me apart, but it is God who is doing the plowing, and i hope and pray that the seeds He will plant will bare fruit in the future. im praying to place this burden i am carrying squarely on Him, because there's no way that i can handle it entirely on my own. it will break me, and has.

this sorrow and pain is entirely worth it solely for the fact that God is working my life to transform me into a man who is more like His son than i was before. i have always said that its the hard things that are worth it, and i still believe that now, even on the inside of this trial and heartache. im looking forward to the growth that God will bring forth from this time of field clearing.

unfortunately, the one person in the whole world whom i would want to tell every little thing about this process to, is the one who needs time away from me. it kills me, but i know that at least someday everything will be better one way or another. pray for my soul, that i would grow closer to my creator everyday, and the same for her. pray for our souls. no relationship is worth pursuing at all if its not founded upon the rock of christ, and i can only control my own choices. pray for us.

im so thankful for the prayers of friends who read this, and the prayers form those friends who don't. above all, i truly deeply want God to be glorified no matter the outcome of our relationship. your support, prayers, encouragement, and listening ears are a big blessing. im so thankful for each one of you.

i recently finished re-reading 'a sever mercy' by sheldon vanauken. i picked it up four or five days ago, and it was a large encouragement to me. it helped me to see how relationships that are going to last must be made strong through a foundation in christ, and even the most steadfast love cannot stand against the one true almighty God. if you have any inkling at all to read a wonderful memior, let this be the one. here are some helpful reviews...

im going home to oregon pretty soon. pray for my trip, for my heart, and for her as well. may we all go under the mercy

matt---->