holla'ween

that's right folks, its almost holla'ween. the time of the year to get all freaked out, dress like idiots, and have lots of fun with you friends.

since my roommates and i are facilitators, we will be helping everyone to do the aforementioned things at our home friday night. starts a little before nine pm. wear a costume, bring refreashments and candy, and you shoes so that you can boogie in our yard. we'll be dancing in the dirt, it will be devilish.

mmmwwwhhaaaaa --->

on my way home

that's right kids, though none of you will read this until i am actually there, im headed back to tinsel town. keep me in your prayers. you're all in mine.

OB---->

my bridge and school

so this is the week where all my friends head up to san fransisco for the bridgeschool benefit show put on by neal young. im in oregon though, so i have had my own sort of bridge and school week. i have visited the new high school here in cottage grove, and have sat and/or stood on several bridges during my time here. most of the time i have been in the company of myself and whatever jacket i have on, camera or other object in my hand, and pretty much nothing else, just rain, sun and silence.

i went to portland and hung out with justin rigamonti, had a really nice time. i can't underscore enough how much i love that guy. i am excited to get back down to LA again as well to catch up with all my friends, and continue down the path that i think the lord is leading me. until then, i will just be hanging out here in cottage grove, reading (finished 'the four loves' by c.s. lewis) and sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house. which is where i need to be right now. call me anything but late for dinner.


share the love--->

little things

here's my latest article for the newspaper that will remain nameless. its about little things
its for all my friends, all whom i love, as a reminder of what we have been given, and what we can give.

It’s about time that we all begin to act like children again. Although it would be fun to consider pulling girl’s pigtails again, never eating vegetables, tracking mud into the house, sleeping on the floor with the dog and generally never washing our hands or faces, this isn’t the sort of childishness that I am talking about.

In our every day lives, full of freeway traffic, fast food dinners, studying theology, trying to take people out on dates, and talking to our families, the little things are beginning to fall to the way side. These little things are the pieces that help make life livable, and often times I am hard pressed to remember the last time I did anything about it.

Some of the most memorable little things that I can remember are the notes that my mom and I would leave for each other when I was a kid. She would put a note in my lunch box before I left for school on a little heart shaped piece of pink paper. “I love you,” she would write, “don’t forget to wipe the jelly off your face sweetheart.”

As much as these notes would make me cringe with third grade embarresment, looking back now I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything in the whole world. I used to leave her notes too. Little drawings and scribbled scrawls on napkins and scratch paper I would find around the house would become my note pad. I would hide them under her coffee cups, or put them in her purse or under her pillow. Every single one of these notes is still in a box somewhere because they meant so much to my mom.

Thinking about these little things a lot lately has brought me to the conclusion that most of us are quite negligent in showing our affection and care to those around us. Sure we go hang out with our friends, and fit stuff in when it works out. But more often than not we break our engagements, and forget that taking two minutes out of our day to send a little card just to say “Hello”, or “I’m praying for you” makes the biggest difference in the world. It’s these little moments or giving and receiving that we will remember in the years down the road. The small moments of heartfelt sincerity, friendship and love that will stick with us during the hard times.

Now as a general rule women are much more naturally gifted at these practices than men. Often I have found myself resting in the knowledge that my friend John and I will be friends forever, even if we never see each other, talk or hang out. To a certain extent this is true, because John and I understand that our friendship is lasting and based on wonderful times together and our bond in Christ. However, everytime I do get the chance to actually hang out with him, I come away feeling much better about our friendship and its solidity. I think that in general, myself and many other guys can understand this ‘resting on the knowledge” of the state of any sort of relationship. There is great peril in this though when we begin to deal with people strictly in a resting sense.

We, men and women alike, should really be concerned about showing others the way that we care for them. Whether it be a friend, a family member, the kid from down the hall, your boyfriend or girlfriend, or even a professor, these people can always use little bits of affirmation. Especially when it comes to relationships between men and women, the little things are crucial.

So I think its about time that we all take a look at the way that we take other people for granted, and stop. Often times we never have the luxury of realizing how much a person means to us until we have lost them, but now is that chance. Take a few quite moments, write some nice little cards, draw a fun little picture or pick up someone’s favorite candy or drink, and just let them now how much they mean to you in your life. I can promise you that by lowering our pride just a little bit, recognizing the importance of the people that God has put in our lives and doing something about it, you become more and more childlike each and every day. Before you know it you may just find yourself making daisey chains, swinging on the swings in the park, smiling more, and feeling your heart happier and less self-focused.

--->

times they are a changin(that's for sure)

an hour or two ago, i wrote a really long post, full of wonderful insight to everything that has been going on in my life, and the lives of those around me. for some reasons it disappeared, and i can't seem to find it anywhere. gone gone gone. just goes to show you can't take your eyes off the screen... of course im not all that surpised by losing the whole thing, its sorta starting to be a theme.

needless to say that this is a season for change. there are too many things going on in my life, and the lives of those around me, to deny that at all. everyone of these people that i have talked to is in a state very much like i am right now; very wide-eyed in amazement at what God is doing in our lives. There's no other way around devine providence when looking at recent events, because there's no way that anyone of us would have chosen the things that are happening. These trials are deepening our walks with the Lord and that's what matters the most. i can't even begin to dscribe the changes in my very being over the last couple of weeks. like an artesian spring, the holy spirit is bubbling up through the deadly cracks in my soul and refreashing the ground above.

that ground though is fresh plowed, and the ground is my heart. my heart has been ripped up by a blade, split into rows, sections & acres. the rocks are being removed and thrown away. these things are truly tearing me apart, but it is God who is doing the plowing, and i hope and pray that the seeds He will plant will bare fruit in the future. im praying to place this burden i am carrying squarely on Him, because there's no way that i can handle it entirely on my own. it will break me, and has.

this sorrow and pain is entirely worth it solely for the fact that God is working my life to transform me into a man who is more like His son than i was before. i have always said that its the hard things that are worth it, and i still believe that now, even on the inside of this trial and heartache. im looking forward to the growth that God will bring forth from this time of field clearing.

unfortunately, the one person in the whole world whom i would want to tell every little thing about this process to, is the one who needs time away from me. it kills me, but i know that at least someday everything will be better one way or another. pray for my soul, that i would grow closer to my creator everyday, and the same for her. pray for our souls. no relationship is worth pursuing at all if its not founded upon the rock of christ, and i can only control my own choices. pray for us.

im so thankful for the prayers of friends who read this, and the prayers form those friends who don't. above all, i truly deeply want God to be glorified no matter the outcome of our relationship. your support, prayers, encouragement, and listening ears are a big blessing. im so thankful for each one of you.

i recently finished re-reading 'a sever mercy' by sheldon vanauken. i picked it up four or five days ago, and it was a large encouragement to me. it helped me to see how relationships that are going to last must be made strong through a foundation in christ, and even the most steadfast love cannot stand against the one true almighty God. if you have any inkling at all to read a wonderful memior, let this be the one. here are some helpful reviews...

im going home to oregon pretty soon. pray for my trip, for my heart, and for her as well. may we all go under the mercy

matt---->

faith

i think the biggest part of my life now, and ever if i really think about it, is faith. i have no real job, i am tens of thousands of dollars in debt (when i get out of school), i got no familia support, my love has left me, and i have no real home. but would i do have, and abundantly so, is faith.

god has sustained me for decades under his grace, by no real doing of my own. in this time of super intense pain, suffering, uncertainty and anguish He is all i have.

in psalm thirty seven, david talks about depending on the Lord and walking in his ways. this psalm and number thirty eight as well have been mistering ot my soul recently and i want to share htem with you guys. here's thirty seven

Psalms 37:1
Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious toward wrongdoers.

Psalms 37:2
For they will wither quickly like the grass
And fade like the green herb.

Psalms 37:3
Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Psalms 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalms 37:5
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

Psalms 37:6
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.

Psalms 37:7
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Psalms 37:8
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.

Psalms 37:9
For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.

Psalms 37:10
Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.

Psalms 37:11
But the humble will inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

Psalms 37:12
The wicked plots against the righteous
And gnashes at him with his teeth.

Psalms 37:13
The Lord laughs at him,
For He sees his day is coming.

Psalms 37:14
The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow
To cast down the afflicted and the needy,
To slay those who are upright in conduct.

Psalms 37:15
Their sword will enter their own heart,
And their bows will be broken.

Psalms 37:16
Better is the little of the righteous
Than the abundance of many wicked.

Psalms 37:17
For the arms of the wicked will be broken,
But the LORD sustains the righteous.

Psalms 37:18
The LORD knows the days of the blameless,
And their inheritance will be forever.

Psalms 37:19
They will not be ashamed in the time of evil,
And in the days of famine they will have abundance.

Psalms 37:20
But the wicked will perish;
And the enemies of the LORD will be like the glory of the pastures,
They vanish--like smoke they vanish away.

Psalms 37:21
The wicked borrows and does not pay back,
But the righteous is gracious and gives.

Psalms 37:22
For those blessed by Him will inherit the land,
But those cursed by Him will be cut off.

Psalms 37:23
The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
And He delights in his way.

Psalms 37:24
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.

Psalms 37:25
I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.

Psalms 37:26
All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing.

Psalms 37:27
Depart from evil and do good,
So you will abide forever.

Psalms 37:28
For the LORD loves justice
And does not forsake His godly ones;
They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.

Psalms 37:29
The righteous will inherit the land
And dwell in it forever.

Psalms 37:30
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
And his tongue speaks justice.

Psalms 37:31
The law of his God is in his heart;
His steps do not slip.

Psalms 37:32
The wicked spies upon the righteous
And seeks to kill him.

Psalms 37:33
The LORD will not leave him in his hand
Or let him be condemned when he is judged.

Psalms 37:34
Wait for the LORD and keep His way,
And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
When the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

Psalms 37:35
I have seen a wicked, violent man
Spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.

Psalms 37:36
Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
I sought for him, but he could not be found.

Psalms 37:37
Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;
For the man of peace will have a posterity.

Psalms 37:38
But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;
The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.

Psalms 37:39
But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
He is their strength in time of trouble.

Psalms 37:40
The LORD helps them and delivers them;
He delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
Because they take refuge in Him.

i am particularly fond of several parts of this passage. i have been praying very specifically about my hearts true desires, and i know that God will honor those if they are pleasing and gloryifing to him. this involves my school hopes, my job hopes and my love hopes.

i have to go take a midterm now, but i hope this has ministered to you as it continues to minister to me

shalom--->

stand by your man

that song says it all, and my man is The Lord. at this point in my life i can be responsible for nothing beyond the choices that i chose to make, and i am planning on making every single one of those with the intent to honor God as much as i can. this last week has been one of major upheaval and growth for me and those around me. im so thankful for trials, though i don't like them at all. if this is what it takes to truly snap me out of my funk or whatever it is that i have been in, than praise be to God.

im not the joyful man that i once was, but i am praying that the lord would tranform my heart and help me to be more joyful than ever. my youth pastor used to say that the deeper the furrows or sorrow in your heart, the more growth can spring forth from them. with that in mind please be aware that i am going to become the neighbor who will leave 50lbs of cucumber on your doorstep. im expecting some serious growth from this trail, and i kinda feel like its already evident. im so thankful that no matter what God will never leave my side. praise be to Him because without his hand guiding me, even when i don't know it, i would surely have been cast into the pit by now. pbtg for all He has blessed me with

so im just trying to take each day one step at a time, one foot in front of the other as God casts light upon the ground in front of me. at this point its the only thing that i can do. im also super thankful for the listening, praying and support that i am getting from all my friends, without a family around, and with my bestfriend and deepest love needing some space, i almost felt like there was no one to turn to. boy was i wrong. each and every person that i have gotten to talk to has been uplifting, edifying and wonderful to talk to. not everyone will read this, but those who do know that they are counted among the faithful. im taking prayer request too from anyone who needs em. i got deadmike in there for sure, and jeri with her wedding so soon, my friend sarah, and a couple others. but if you're reading this and really need some prayer, throw down the shout out. i can always use more things to pray for along with general praise and my own so called life. just let me know

tons of love, cause its all i've got to give
-matt
get on the prayer chain---->

empty

right now i am an empty vessel. i feel like i have been completely emptied. there is nothing for me to do, but pray, wait and hope that everything will work out ok. its not easy dealing with the loss of the most imporant person in your life, hopefully amanda will get some stuff figured out, i will get some stuff figured out, and the whole thing can move forward in a way that is super pleasing and honoring to God. im just not willing to throw away three years, and i hope she isn't either. but that remains to be seen...

at this point though i feel like my heart has been completely ripped from my chest, but somehow i am still alive to feel the pain. oddly enough i wrote a poem about the loss of my heart a couple of weeks back, as we were leaving the manor. who knew it would have far greater reaching applications. for your enjoyment, here is silver lady


turning to look through
the window into the room
at you, my sternum popped

open, my ribs white as cloud
cover at morning. there my heart
like a ripe tamatto, hate them though
i do, was wet and glistening red.

the clouds parted, calcium wisped
away, and so my tamatto heart
fell from the vine. white seeds
scattering across the paving stones

i chartered an old man to take
us to sea, my tamatto and i.
the silver lady, her crew a weathered
man, his hat, my heart fruit

along for the ride, and me.
we made for mariana, "tamatto
to the trench." said he, captain
casting off starboard.

and tomatto beat, turned
in for the night, sleeping below
leeward in a berth. a red sky
delighting the captain alone

on the silver lady's bow.
we meandered on the briny
t'ings, the waves and moon stirring
capillaries and veins, roger jollies

sticking through my coat. dripping
catsup deckward. "thar be his bound!"
captain called below. rope-wind whipping
pea coat lapels liberally.

there my heart left, a porthole
winched ventrically, and plop
plop fizz, mariana chosen over
me, my roger jollies whisping
salt spray tears

mon cur--->